I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
