I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
