I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
