I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Send help, water and tortillas.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
