I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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