Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
