were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
My balls are so social today.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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