life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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