Don't make out with my wife yet
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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