Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
