insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
