We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
