Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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