We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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