watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
