im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Randomize
