I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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