i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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