i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Damn victory sex feels great
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
