I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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