i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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