i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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