i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
it's like heaven, but drunker
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
