When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize