I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
