oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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