awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
