I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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