I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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