Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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