About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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