You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
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