It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Randomize
