i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
