I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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