Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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