You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
