nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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