had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
