Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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