when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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