Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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