Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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