I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
