I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
