in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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