Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
