He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
