So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
