Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
