i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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