Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
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I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
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PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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