I'm going to jail i love you
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
