I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
