Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
