He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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