I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
