you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
