I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
