He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
