her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
