All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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