i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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