God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
